Everyone knows that after a break-up, a woman goes through various mourning stages. A woman can go from: 1: Desperate for Answers, 2. Denial, 3. Giving in, 4. Relapse, 5. Anger, 6. Accepting It’s Over and 7. Hope. I’ll be the first to admit that I felt all of these at once believe it or not. After my five year long crash and complete BURN of a relationship, I finally reached the acceptance and ever so longing “Glo-Up” phase where I feel unstoppable. The feeling where you wouldn’t be petty if your ex started dating someone new or flaunted them all over social media. The feeling where you genuinely don’t wish bad upon them and simply don’t care about how their life is without you in it. So why is it so hard for my ex to slither away and die now that I’ve reached this euphoria. I’m beginning to think that no matter the circumstances, exes will always try and push their luck to make an appearance in your life. Why do exes always try and make themselves known once they are dead to you?….
Hazel and I were doing a little shopping near the Soho area in NYC this past week. Nothing too out of the ordinary with that. As we proceeded, I received a random email from my ex. Mind you, I haven’t spoken to this man in months and our last conversation was a complete shit show. It’s been about nine months since we broke things off completely and ended our five year long “romance”. I had already tried the let’s be friends approach and when that didn’t work I decided to have a mental funeral in my head for him. A beautiful home going for our entire relationship. I never expected to hear from him again, and now this email was lingering in my inbox .The email mainly consisted of an apology for his choice of words during our previous telephone conversation that ended on a horrible note about two months ago. The email concluded by using a pet name that I made up for him when we first started dating, which left an unsettling feeling in my stomach. Like why not use the name that your mother put on your birth certificate? You aren’t my [insert cheesy nick name here] anymore. Using a nickname that was exclusive within a relationship is never a good move to make. When there is no longer a mental or physical connection taking place, using cheesy nicknames is sometimes the last symbol present that there was even a connection to begin with. It shows subconsciously that your ex is holding on to a habit they don’t necessarily want to change or that they are trying to pull on your heart strings.
So at this point, I’m staring at my phone trying to decide whether or not I should say “thanks” or continue to pretend that he doesn’t exist somewhere in the world. Like any true best friend , Hazel rolled her eyes and said, “bitch don’t even think about it “. Being the person that I am, I decided to text back a simple, “I accept your apology”. I know this isn’t the last time he is going to reach out to me because this is EXACTLY what exes do….when all you want them to do is disappear. As soon as you make the decision to move on in the dating world, here comes that demon of an ex. All exes are different in terms of their strategy to weasel their way back onto your radar. Some exes use the basic, “hey big head” or “hey punk” text or direct messages. While some exes use the pop up method, ” hey, I was just in your neighborhood can I stop by”. Exes that really want your attention will send gifts to your job or if he’s really trying, a gift to your mother as well. True relentless exes will stop at nothing to get your attention no matter if you have changed your number or predictable coffee shop in the morning.
In my opinion, exes only try to audition for a part in your life again for a few reasons:
- They want to see if you’ve changed
- They are manipulative and want to use you and f*ck up your entire life
- They have realized no other woman can compare to you
- They want sex
- They want to check up on you
- They don’t want to start over with someone new
- They were thinking about a memory they shared with you
- Their parents constantly remind him about you
- They want to show you how much they have changed (least common)
The part that makes this entire story reckless on my part is the fact that after sending a response email, all I could think about was having sex with him. I fantasized about being intimate with him and wondered if it would feel any different. To be fair, the primary reason for this is probably because I’ve been celibate since we broke off our relationship.
The most important thing is that once you have decided that you are over an ex, don’t fall for their tricks and tactics. Don’t allow someone to try and come back into your life just because it’s convenient for them or because they finally feel like getting their shit together. It’s easy to forget that men and women get over breakups at different times. Men typically get over a breakup backwards by going through a celebration phase and reaching a more emotional state months down the line. Lastly, my biggest advice is to not go down memory lane when it comes to sex with an ex. I am in no form judging anyone that wants to have sex with their ex because honestly that shit happens but, it’s just easier to not go down that road. ….especially if the sex was extremely good.