8 Things to avoid during a break-up

Break-ups can be difficult to say the least. Tears, personal property damage and some form of weight gain is to be expected and completely normal. Most dating experts prohibit the practice of any kind of self destructive behavior while others deem it as predictable. Well for those of you working to avoid those unwanted pounds and Xanax prescriptions, here’s 8 things to avoid during a break-up.

1) Food
Any and all kinds of foods high in carbs and fat are equivalent to the devil during such a troublesome time. The last thing you’ll want to do is take a splurge on Walmart’s discounted ice-cream section because you won’t be able to stop yourself. Self control is anything but controllable after splitting with your love. So make sure to stay away from chipotle, Ben and Jerry’s and every fast food chain in a 100 mile radius. Why 100 miles? Because you will begin to come to your senses after the first 25.

2) Shopping
Through the first 3 months of your break-up it is recommended to stay far away from shopping centers. Spending money has been a proven way of numbing the pain of heart ache as well as it’s a proven way to lower a credit score. You’re not very capable at the moment to handle such responsibility as wielding a credit card; so do yourself a favor now and freeze it. Those new Yeezy boosts won’t seem so expensive after a long and stressful day of reliving the end of your relationship. Trust me, it’s a trap!

3) Friends
Friends are also very unpredictable after a break-up. Sometimes they can go from caring and supportive to crazy and vengeful and that’s the opposite of healthy in this situation. You’re already steadily losing sanity so the last thing you need is a convincing friend willing to help you slash some tires and rid the evidence. Then there’s the situation where that one friend you’ve always known becomes slightly more polished through your break-up haze. You may see them a little differently and one second you’re crying about your split and the next second the both of you end up in bed. Each of these scenarios end very badly and may push you past the point of no return.

4) Pictures
Memories are like that little grey cloud that follows a sad character around in cartoons. Except those break up clouds dish lighting, rain and quarter sized hail. Denial will become your best friend and preferred form of self medication. Who wants to remember last years Christmas when the two of you were so in love and happy? Instead block that memory out with a black blob of nothing. Erase your thoughts of the past like those nudes you deleted shortly after the split in your phone. All pictures and videos should be discarded in a closure ceremony organized by friends. You can shed an ugly cry, laugh and say an angry goodbye to your loser ex with loved ones. Close out the event by burning any symbolic proof your relationship ever happened. All Better now?

5) Therapy
Another terrible idea is therapy. After a few sessions you will spill all your thoughts and dirty little secrets you kept from your ex while your therapist scribbles “sociopath” on a clipboard. This is when the Prozac addiction begins. Not that venting to someone is a bad thing but be sure that your psychologist cares more about fixing your issues than medicating them. Therapy can be a slippery slope, just ask any cast member of Teen mom.

6) Family
The most unexpected people on the list would have to be family but they make the cuts because they’re total insensitive jerks during this time. Some family members are supportive and empathetic while others can’t help but take this time as an opportunity to reveal their true feelings about your ex. They may even boast about the break-up as a “good thing.” Try not to get too defensive, especially if you’re hiding your emotions. Just try to spend as little time as possible with them during the next coming holiday. There will be difficult questions to answer about your ex and what happened to the relationship. As well as unwanted arranged “set-ups” with a guy or girl they’d think you’d like.

7) Alcohol
Why do you want to avoid something that makes you temporarily forget your split? Because this too like therapy is a slippery slope. Correction, it’s a brutal pit fall. Yes it does make you feel better but only for a time. Then you wake up with a nice hangover, missing lashes and a guy that’s not so cute in the morning in your bed. If you’re going to drink, do so in moderation. You’re already unstable so don’t get too sh*t faced in the club the weekend after with your friends.

8) Your Ex
The most dangerous thing on the list would have to be your ex lover. I don’t have enough time and there’s not enough words in existence to describe the huge mistake of reuniting with an ex. Whether that be for a quick catch up and coffee or a post split hook-up, it all leads to that dusty road of regret. No need for a life update from your ex when all they can talk about is their new relationship. How great would that make you feel to know they’re happy with someone else? And sex after a break-up, well that’s just plain dumb. Trust me, I’ve done it and almost lost every bit of common sense I had.

I know this list may sound as if you should just board up every door and window in your home and disconnect from the outside world but that’s not at all the point. While creating a bunker isn’t such a bad idea, cutting yourself off from the world definitely is. You have to find a way to live your life with healthy behaviors through your break-up. You’ll want to move on eventually but no one wants a paranoid, emotional wreck either. Sorry for the harshness but the truth has a tendency to hurt.

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